


I Do

by JoMouse



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Blow Jobs, Friends to Lovers, Infidelity, M/M, Panic Attacks, Public Blow Jobs, Public Display of Affection, Rain, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2016-07-31
Packaged: 2018-07-28 12:52:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7640962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoMouse/pseuds/JoMouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis thinks he's in love with Liam who knows he's in love with Zayn who doesn't know what to think anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Do

**Author's Note:**

> Greetings!
> 
> This story has been a lifetime in the making (or pretty dang close). It was originally written (or at least the beginning) as the ending of a fic in another fandom many, many moons ago. I was then prompted by someone to rewrite a passage from an old work in my new style (you can read that post [here](http://josjournal.tumblr.com/post/143911887647/3-22)) and then the beautiful [Toni](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/sunnysideup) gave me a five minute writing challenge to continue writing it, so I did. Well, once I got that far, I didn't stop (with a lot of encouragement from Toni, thank you so much). So, now, nearly three full months later, here is the completed project. The most angst-ridden fic I've ever written.
> 
> Big huge thanks to [Jess](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/purpleeyestelllies/) for betaing this monster while still betaing [Moments](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6713161) for me. You are the best girl.
> 
> If I've forgotten to tag something, please let me know. I am truly awful and terribly insecure about my tagging. 
> 
> I sincerely hope you enjoy this because it's pretty special to me. Be kind in your comments. :D
> 
> xx-Joey
> 
> Don't know 'em. Don't own 'em. Don't show 'em.

Louis dragged Liam's drunken arse into the bedroom, shoving him towards the bed before heading into the loo to find some paracetamol; he knew his friend would be hurting in the morning. Much more than he was hurting already. Louis should’ve known better than to agree to go out with Liam that night.; Liam only called when he wanted to forget and forgetting meant a very drunk Liam. He grabbed the pills and filled a glass with water, staring at himself in the mirror over the sink, trying to force a smile to his face before heading back to the bedroom.

Reentering the room, Louis discovered Liam, surprisingly, sitting up in his bed clutching a jeweler's box tightly in his hand. He must have a made a noise because Liam began speaking, his voice choked with tears.

“I tried, Lou. I tried to give it to him. I called him about four months ago.” The tears were falling so freely now, that Louis had an image of his best mate drowning himself right in front of him.

Louis moved slowly to sit next to Liam, forcing him to take the pills before setting the, now, empty glass on the nightstand and pulling Liam into a cuddle, a hand running over his sweaty hair. “What happened?”

“Lousy fucking timing is what happened. I called the night he proposed the that fucking-” Liam cut himself off as he threw the box across the room. The box broke open and a simple silver ring flew out bouncing along the wooden floor and rolling away under the bed. Louis thought about retrieving it, but decided to remain focused on his friend instead. 

Liam opened and closed his mouth a few times, seeming to struggle to find the words to describe Zayn’s fiance, but Louis knew that no matter how angry he was, Liam couldn't bring himself to insult the person Zayn chose to be with for the rest of his life. “I was finally gonna get off my arse and propose, and he tells me he’s getting married and that he didn't think it was a good idea for us to ever speak again.” Liam pulled away, burying his face into his pillow and letting out an agonized scream. When he was done, he turned to look at Louis, his face twisted in agony. “If only I had called sooner.” He turned back into the pillow and his body racked with sobs.

At that moment, Liam's phone began to ring. A familiar tone that hadn't echoed in their lives in quite some time, and Louis felt his anger flare. “Oi!” he snapped as he picked up the phone. He glanced over at Liam who was crying so hard that Louis' own eyes began to tear up. He strode out of the room before speaking again. “Of course he's here. You called his bloody phone, didn't ya?”

The person on the other end began to say something, but Louis didn't want to hear it, so he huffed into the phone. “He's in no shape to come to the phone. Not even for you. Especially not for you,  _ mate,” _ he said the word with enough venom to halt the voice of the other person.

Liam appeared in the doorway of the sitting room, his large frame appearing small and lost as Louis continued. “Just fuck off. You've done enough fucking damage for one lifetime.” He hung up on his once best mate and went over to gather Liam into his arms before escorting him back to his bed. The boy needed nothing more than a year's worth of sleep.

“It could've been me,” Liam repeated over and over as he finally let exhaustion take over and finally Louis let his own tears fall.

Louis awoke the next morning feeling hot and crushed. He blinked his eyes a few times and glanced down to see Liam clinging to his chest, breaths coming in the even pattern of deep sleep. With a sad smile, Louis wiggled himself out from the grasp of his broken-hearted friend and made his way into the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror and groaned that he looked almost as bad as he knew that Liam felt.

It had been almost a year since Zayn had disappeared from their lives. Almost a year since Liam had showed up on his doorstep with tears running down his face and not even enough sanity left to tell him what had happened. Liam had come home to a half-empty flat and a note saying that Zayn just couldn't stay, that he couldn't live with someone who didn't love him enough to commit to him. Two days later, Liam had finally left his flat and come to Louis, looking and smelling like someone had died.

Liam had sobbed, and that was the first time he had shown Louis the ring. He had popped open the jeweler's box with a sad smile. "I bought it for him, but I just couldn't ever bring myself to give it to him."  

Louis knew that Liam was afraid of commitment, had been burned so many times before. A broken engagement. Being left at the altar. One divorce. He had every reason to hesitate when it came to forever. They all knew it. They had all stood by him through everything.  

Or, Louis had thought they all understood, but apparently Zayn wasn't as understanding as the rest of them. Zayn had no regrets about adding to Liam's long history of broken relationships. Had no issue leaving behind the man he supposedly loved in a million pieces to be put back together by his best friend, who had been harbouring a quiet crush for more years than he could remember. The man who had stood back, watching, as his best friends fell in love with each other, hiding his own breaking heart with a blinding smile.

Louis splashed his face with cold water and quickly brushed his teeth with the spare toothbrush he kept at Liam’s. When he returned to the bedroom, he was surprised to find it empty. He glanced around, even chancing a look under the bed to see if Liam was trying to dig the ring back out. The ring was still there, glinting slightly just out of Louis’ reach. After trying to retrieve the ring and failing, Louis rose to his feet and ventured out into the flat.

Liam was standing in the kitchen, a pan on the stove in front of him, but he was staring at the wall, gaze unfocused. Louis was relieved to see the stove was off, the pan empty. “Li?” he said quietly, feeling badly when Liam flinched before turning around, his eyes red-rimmed and puffy. “Sit down and let me cook,” he offered.

A ghost of a smile quirked Liam’s lips, and Louis gave an internal cheer. “I’d prefer not to have my kitchen burned to the ground,” Liam said as he moved towards the fridge and opened it, pulling out a carton of eggs.

“No guarantee that won’t happen anyway,” Louis said, taking the carton and putting it back into the refrigerator. “Let’s go out instead, yeah?” Liam hesitated before nodding and turning to go back towards his bedroom.

Louis followed a few moments later, not entirely surprised to see Liam’s legs sticking out from underneath the bed. “Can you reach it?” He heard a mumbled response before Liam started scooting backwards and finally reappeared. He sat up on his knees and looked down at the ground, a pout on his face as he shook his head. “Get up, let’s move the bed,” Louis said, pulling Liam to his feet.

Working together, they managed to move the bed just enough for Louis to grab the ring. He handed it to Liam who put it back in the jeweler’s box before stashing the box in the nightstand drawer. Louis went to grab the bed to move it back, but realized that Liam was glancing around the room, a thoughtful look on his face.

“What?” Louis asked, feeling a bit of dread in his stomach.

“We should rearrange the furniture,” Liam said, with a decisive nod. “Yeah, we should totally do that.”

With a groan, Louis resigned himself to manual labor before he’d be able to eat.

***

Liam sat at the table, his muscles pleasantly sore from rearranging his bedroom, as he picked at the plate of food in front of him. He didn’t remember ordering, but suddenly the waitress, Jenny, no, Jesy, had been setting several plates down on the table. He glanced up at Louis who was shoveling food into his mouth, but his blue eyes were locked on Liam, much as they had been for the past twenty-four hours. The past week. The past month. Hell, probably the past year, and he hadn’t noticed.

He appreciated Louis being there for him, had been there for him for as long as he could remember. The two of them had been friends since Liam’s birth. Since before that if you asked Louis who loved to tell tales of him curling up and reading stories to Liam’s mum’s belly. It wasn’t even worth reminding him that he’d only been just under two years old when Liam was born, Louis swore the story was true.

Louis had remained Liam’s only friend until primary school, where Liam had met Niall. The two of them were in the same class while Louis was a couple of years ahead, although he’d always managed to sneak out of his classroom and into theirs. Eventually, the teachers stopped looking for him and just gave copies of his classwork to Liam’s teachers. The hardest thing to happen was when Louis moved up to the next school and was no longer able to visit.

By the time, Liam and Niall had joined Louis at the upper school, Louis was hanging out with Zayn, so they’d brought him into their fold. Liam had always thought Zayn was one of the most beautiful people on the planet, but nothing had ever developed between them until much later in their lives. After Liam had been through so much heartbreak, he thought he didn’t have enough pieces left to give his heart away again.

Zayn had convinced him otherwise. It was a hard road. Liam was constantly apprehensive about becoming serious and was downright terrified of every “next step” they had taken together. His doctor had prescribed him anti-anxiety meds on the eve of he and Zayn moving in together because the panic attacks had gotten bad enough to land him in A&E.

After living together for two years, Liam thought things were finally getting settled. He thought that he and Zayn had found a place in their relationship where they could both live comfortably. Then Zayn had started dropping hints about getting married. Liam would find pieces of paper covered with “Zayn Payne” or “Liam Malik” or “Malik-Payne” lying around the flat. Joking about trips being honeymoons. He would refer to Liam’s parents as the ‘in-laws’.  

At first, it was all terrifying and Liam spent hours talking to his counselor about it. His counselor finally had him look at the logic of everything. Zayn had been in his life for years and hadn’t gone anywhere. He had seen Liam at his absolute worst and hadn’t left. Liam began to take comfort in that, and, when the counselor asked Liam to imagine his future without Zayn, Liam just couldn’t do it.

So, he’d gone out and bought Zayn a ring. He’d planned over and over inside of his head how he was going to ask him. He’d planned elaborate dates and even trips to far off places and chickened out every single time. He’d head into his room instead to take a pill and go to bed. After carrying the ring around for six months, Liam had come home one night, ready to do it. He had spent the entire day planning it out. He’d stopped for Zayn’s favourite takeaway. He’d picked up a dozen deep red roses and had put together a special playlist. Lastly, he’d stopped and bought a really expensive bottle of wine that he knew Zayn loved, but that he wasn’t overly fond of himself.

Then he’d walked into the flat and knew immediately something was wrong. Zayn’s line of boots wasn’t waiting to be tripped over, instead Liam’s boots were standing alone in a line, heels to the wall. He’d opened the foyer closet and found it half-empty, Zayn’s warmest jackets missing. He hadn’t even bothered looking further, he could feel the emptiness of the flat. He’d dropped his coat to the floor and fell back against the door, sliding down until he was leaning up against it. Using his key and not caring about the cork, he’d managed to get the bottle of wine open and started drinking.

Liam could feel his chest tightening, recognized the signs of an attack, so he scrambled for the keychain where he kept a couple of pills, in case of emergency. As he scrambled to get it open, he felt a hand over his and looked up into Louis’ concerned blue eyes. He allowed his friend to take the keychain and get out one pill before handing it over.

“We need to keep you busy,” Louis said as he sat across from Liam and watched him swallow the pill with a sip of water. “Keep you from thinking.”

Liam nodded as he rested his elbows on the table and hid his face in his hands, trying to bring his breathing back under control and avoid making a scene in the diner. He really liked this place. It hadn’t opened until after Zayn had left, so it held no memories of him. It was a safe zone, and he knew Louis knew that. He knew that was why his best mate had brought him here.

“We should go out again tonight,” Louis said decisively, and Liam shook his head. “Yes. Although, the drinking should probably be kept to a minimum. We can find you someone nice to bring home so you can fuck it all out of your system, instead.”

“No,” Liam said. “It wasn’t my style before, and it’s definitely not what I need now.”

Louis leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “Then tell me, oh, wise one, what  _ do _ you need?” Liam didn't say anything, just fiddled with his fork, spinning it on the table, avoiding Louis’ gaze. “Seriously, mate, what do you need? Whatever it is, I’ll get it for you.” 

The thing was, he knew Louis would try, but there was one thing that he couldn't get him. The one thing Liam felt he needed. “Him. I need him.”

***

Zayn paced the bedroom, ignoring the fact that she was waiting for him in the other room. He stared down at his phone again, his thumb hovering over Liam’s name. He’d called him for the first time in months the night before and gotten Louis instead. Of course, Louis was with Liam. The two had always been inseparable. Zayn was convinced Louis was a little bit in love with Liam. It had been the reason that Zayn had waited so long to try and get together with Liam, harbouring secret feelings for so many years; he didn’t want to get in Louis’ way.

The happiest day of his life was the first time Liam had told him that he loved him, too. Zayn had laid his heart bare, knowing there was no way that Liam returned his feelings. He’d been surprised when Liam had kissed him, and then disappointed when Liam didn’t say the three words. He’d just said, “Me, too.” It’d taken months before Liam said the words. Even more months before they’d moved in together. Zayn had felt they’d finally been making progress, that Liam was learning to trust him, to open his heart completely.

Then Liam had started becoming secretive. He’d come home late with no explanation. He’d sit in silence, staring out the window, startling when Zayn called his name and looking like he’d been caught doing something wrong. Zayn had tried to talk to Louis about it, figuring if anyone knew what was going on, Louis would.

“If you don’t know, why the fuck would I?” the blue-eyed bloke had snapped and Zayn had felt his heart breaking a bit.

Zayn had convinced himself that Liam was running around on him. That he had been seeing someone behind his back. That he had been seeing  _ Louis _ behind his back. He’d thought about following him, confronting him, but then he’d thought about Liam’s fragile emotions. He couldn’t stand to watch him have another one of his attacks; he still had nightmares about the one he’d had after that older bitch had left Liam for her ex-husband, divorcing him and leaving him with another devastation in the long line of disasters that made up his love life. Another scar that wouldn’t heal. Zayn had thought for sure he was losing his best friend that night, that Liam’s mind had broken too far to be repaired; just like his heart.

Zayn had tried to go on like nothing was wrong, ignoring his suspicions. He’d made comments about forever, trying to show Liam that he wasn’t going anywhere. He’d even referred to Liam as his husband a few times. After months of Liam’s distance, Zayn realized that, as much as he loved Liam, he couldn’t live like that anymore. So, Zayn had left, his own heart breaking, but feeling as if he didn’t have any other choice.

He’d regretted it as soon as the door closed behind him. He’d regretted not, at least, trying to talk to Liam, despite the risk of a panic attack. The pitying looks he’d gotten from his family. The angry looks he’d eventually gotten from their mutual friends. He’d been shunned by everyone that had been important to him. He’d given up not only the one man he’d been in love with since high school, but all of his friends. He’d lost the respect of his family and had been labeled a coward.

He’d hidden himself in clubs and alcohol and too many drugs. He’d done everything to forget. He’d slept with anyone who was willing, but never stopped comparing them to Liam. He’d eventually found himself returning to one girl, someone who didn’t make too many demands, but was willing whenever Zayn was in the mood. She looked good on his arm, as well, and he knew he’d done the same for her. They fell into a comfortable routine that Zayn could follow, while still remaining numb. While still remaining in love with someone else.

Then, four months ago, everything changed. Everything went to hell faster than Zayn could even whisper a prayer. She’d said she was pregnant. Zayn wasn’t even sure how to respond, swearing they’d always been careful, but, honestly, he’d been so high most of the time, he really couldn’t swear by anything. He knew he’d have to do the right thing. He’d have to marry her.

So he’d proposed. She’d said yes and his ears still rang from the squeals he’d had to listen to as she phoned everyone she knew, conveniently leaving out news of her pregnancy. He probably should have found that odd, but he’d already begun working on forgetting. Then his phone had rung, and he’d seen Liam’s name. He thought about not answering, but the part of him that was angry, that hated what his life had become, that just wanted to make everyone else as miserable as he was, took over, and he’d picked up.

He remembered being able to practically hear Liam’s heart breaking over the phone after he’d asked to see him and Zayn had told him he didn’t think it was a good idea. Told him that he was getting married, that he had just proposed and he had no room for Liam in his life anymore. He’d hung up before Liam could respond, not able to bear hearing the pain in the other boy’s voice. He’d known he was being selfish, but he’d been at a loss for what else he could do.

The wedding planning began, and Zayn had spent most of it repeating, “Whatever you want.” He’d pulled himself out of his fog long enough to inquire about doctor’s appointments and started finding it odd when she’d avoid his questions. She’d finally tearfully admitted that it had been a false alarm, that she’d actually known since the day after he’d proposed, and that she’d understand if he didn’t want to marry her anymore. By that point, they’d booked her church and a hall, and Zayn didn’t even care enough to cancel, so he’d responded with, “Whatever you want.” Of course, she still wanted to get married. 

Now, Zayn kept going along with the planning, playing the dutiful fiance. He took her and let her pick out her ring, the most expensive one she could find that he knew he would be paying off for the rest of his life. She started looking at houses, but that was where Zayn had drawn the line, saying he wasn’t ready for that many changes. She, reluctantly, agreed, and they discussed whose flat they would move into, still not reaching a decision.

He heard her call him, and he shouted back that he changed his mind. He didn’t want to go out. He could hear the irritation in her voice, and he flinched when she slammed the front door, but he didn’t care as he crawled into his bed, pulling the covers over his head before opening his phone and sliding through the locked album of photos he still kept of Liam. His eyes burned with tears as he finally fell asleep, exhaustion stealing him from the waking world, to which he hoped never to return.

***

Louis watched Liam sitting across from him, peeling the label off the bottle of beer he’d been picking up and setting down, without drinking, all evening. He sighed as he reached across the table, laying a hand over Liam’s. “You really didn’t want to come out, yeah?” he asked, his voice loud to be heard over the music.

Liam shook his head, but looked towards the DJ booth where Niall was running the show. Liam’s eyes held the same shine of pride that Louis felt, as their friend was living out a bit of a childhood dream. “Had to support him,” Liam shouted back. “I’m ready to go, though.”

Louis nodded and stood. They’d been there for a few hours, sitting through one and half of Niall’s sets and sharing a drink, or not sharing a drink, in Liam’s case, with the Irish lad in between. Liam stood as well and placed a hand on Louis’ shoulder. “Stay. He deserves to have one of us here the whole night. The one who smiles is probably the better choice.”

Louis’ heart ached at the words. “You smile,” he argued, but Liam just gave him a look before leaning over to hug him and, if Louis hung on longer than necessary, neither of them said anything. 

He watched Liam go, feeling even more helpless than he had in the last year. He wondered if there was anything he could do to make his friend feel better. He jumped when someone dropped down across from him. 

“Liam bail?” Niall asked, picking up Liam’s ignored bottle and taking a long pull from it, making a face. “He drinks some piss, doesn’t he?” Louis laughed, feeling the clench around his heart loosen just a bit; Niall always managed to make him feel just a little bit lighter. “He doing any better?”

Louis shook his head as he finished off his drink and then waved the waitress over. He ordered another, and Niall requested a darker ale. Once she was gone, Louis laid his chin on his folded arms on the table, looking up at Niall. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Don’t think there’s anything anyone can do,” Niall responded. “He needs time. You don’t get over the love of your life in the blink of an eye.” 

Louis felt his own heart skip at that. “It’s been a year.”

“Like I said, a blink of an eye,” Niall argued. “Every heartbreak Liam suffered has built on the last. Each one hurt just a little bit more. Zayn devastated him.” Louis glared at the blond, but he wasn’t sure if it was the words or the the fact they were true.

“You get far too philosophical when you spin,” Louis argued, and Niall shrugged with a loud laugh. “You almost done?”

“Just finished. We gonna find you someone?” Niall asked as his eyes went around the room, bouncing from person to person.

“Me? I don’t need anyone,” Louis argued. “We need to find someone for Liam.”

Niall snorted. “Mate, if you pine over him any more than you already are, you’ll turn into a tree.”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” Louis said, taking his drink from the waitress who had reappeared.

“Keep telling yourself that,” Niall responded as he took a long drink, smiling big when he set his glass down. “Now,  _ that _ is beer.”

Louis shook his head as his eye was caught by someone near the bar. He took in the lad’s long curly hair and lithe figure. Liam liked lanky blokes and at one point, Zayn’s hair had gotten long enough to pull up in a tiny bun. Yes, this was the boy. “If you’ll excuse me, Nialler. I think I see a distraction for Liam.”

He saw Niall shake his head and mutter something under his breath, so Louis flipped him off before striding across the room. It was only a couple minutes of jostling his way through dancing bodies before he reached the boy. He tapped him on the shoulder, stumbling when the boy whipped around, his hair nearly hitting Louis in the face.

“Sorry, mate,” the boy said slowly. “I thought you were this girl that’s been trying to get me to dance with her all night.” He gave a soft smile, the corners of his lips barely quirking as his eyes ran over Louis. “You, I’ll dance with.”

Louis cheered internally at the confirmation that the boy wasn’t against the idea of being with a man. “Excellent. I can tell you all about my friend!” Louis chirped, turning towards the dance floor, smiling when he felt a large hand on his waist. He was so happy he’d found someone for Liam.

***

Liam was on the balcony, leaning on the railing, a lit, but unsmoked, cigarette between his fingers as he watched the traffic below. He heard the door slide behind him and knew without looking that it was Louis; he could feel the energy vibrating off the other boy. Shaking his head fondly, he again wondered how his friend had so much energy, no matter what time of day or night it was. He blinked when something white was waved in his face.

“You’ve got a date tomorrow,” Louis teased, still waving the item in his face. Liam’s jaw dropped as he grabbed the item and yanked it away.

“What the hell, Lou?” he snapped as he glanced at, what he realized was, a napkin with a phone number scrawled across it.

“You have a date with this bloke tomorrow. You’re meeting at the diner at ten for breakfast,” Louis explained, his voice growing in volume as he bounced on his toes. Liam was fully expecting him to start clapping his hands together like a small child. 

“No,” Liam said, simply. He was stunned that Louis would do something like this to him, after he’d made it very clear, just a few hours earlier, that the only person he wanted was Zayn. Not some random bloke from the bar. 

“Yes.”

“No, Louis. This is not what I want. Not what I need,” Liam argued.

“You have no idea what you need, mate,” Louis told him, pointing at the napkin forcibly, accidentally knocking the cigarette out of his hand. 

“I know better than you do,” Liam snapped, crumbling up the napkin and throwing it off the balcony after the cigarette. He didn’t even watch it fall, but Louis did. “And some random bloke is not it.”

“Now, you have to meet him! You don’t want to be the arse who stood someone up!” Louis shouted as Liam ignored him going back inside, and shutting the door behind himself.

Liam stomped towards his bedroom, ignoring the sound of Louis coming back inside and ranting at him. He wasn’t in the mood for another of Louis’ schemes or lectures. He was beginning to wonder if Louis actually listened to him or took his feelings into consideration, at all. He was beginning to think Louis only cared about getting Liam involved with someone else so he wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore.

“Are you even listening to me?” Louis screamed and Liam whirled around on his heels, nearly losing his balance, catching himself on the back of the sofa.

“Are you even listening to  _ me _ ?” he shouted back. “I’m not ready to go out with some guy I know nothing about! I’m not ready to go out with anyone! I’m sorry that I’m too annoying for you to deal with! I’m sorry that my life falling apart again and again and again is becoming too much for you!” He saw Louis’ eyes widen and become shiny, but not even the threat of tears from his best mate was going to stop him now. “Instead of trying to fix something that can’t be fixed and then getting mad at me about it, why don’t you just do what everyone else does and leave!”

Liam turned away and ran to his room, slamming the door shut behind himself. He leaned up against it, his chest heaving and the skin of his arms prickling. The longer he stood there, the shallower his breaths became until they were the desperate pants that had become so familiar to him. He banged his fists against the door behind him and then his head back against it, letting out a frustrated whisper-yell, mindful of the people in the flats around his.

His eyes were burning and he was trying to decide if getting to the bathroom to grab his pills was worth the risk of running into Louis. He had just decided that he wasn’t going to have much of a choice when he heard a timid knock behind him. He opened his mouth to speak, but words failed him. After a few moments, he heard a rattle and then Louis’ voice. “Your pills and a bottle of water are just outside the door. I’m going to kip on your sofa if you need me.”

He listened to the sound of Louis’ slow retreat and wondered if he was walking backwards, eyes on the door, looking for his chance to start in on Liam again. He waited, hoping he could get himself under control and not open the door, but after several minutes, his skin still felt too tight and his breathing still hurt his throat, he gave in. Slowly pulling the door open, he peeked out, spotting the top of Louis’ head over the back of the sofa. Glancing down, he quickly grabbed the bottles and closed his door quietly.

Finally making it to his bed and managing to get a pill down his throat, he forced himself through some of the centering exercises his therapist had taught him. Eventually, he could feel his body loosening and he began to ready himself for bed, knowing that sleep was going to be his only true escape from the emotions still warring inside of him. He walked to the door and flipped the switch, hesitating before pulling the door open slightly. “Night, Lou,” he called softly.

“Night, Payno,” Louis responded. “Love you.”

“You, too,” Liam responded, feeling relieved that his friend seemed to have forgiven his outburst. 

He practically fell into his bed, curling up under the covers, reaching into the case of the pillow he rested his head on to pull out the black and white checked scarf he kept hidden there. Zayn’s scent had long since faded from the item he’d left behind, but Liam still couldn’t bear to part with it or to sleep without it. He held the cloth close to his face, ignoring the tears that soaked into it as he let himself drift off.

***

Zayn opened his eyes and blinked against the brightness of the sun shining in the room. He realized that meant two things, the first, that he’d forgotten to close the curtains the night before, and the second, that it was well after noon. He stretched beneath the blankets, feeling the bones in his back pop one by one into place. He gave out a purr, feeling good waking up for the first time in a long time. That ended as soon as his brain woke up and the state of his life caught up with him. As soon as Liam’s face entered his mind, his entire being started to shut down.

“I think that’s a record,” a deep voice said, amusement lacing the edges.

“Go away, Harry,” Zayn muttered, pulling the covers back over his head, cursing loudly when they were yanked away from him.

“Nope. I’ve been given direct orders to,” he used his fingers as air quotes, “‘drag his lazy arse out of bed and to the tailors’.”

“That’s today?” Zayn groaned, vaguely remembering being told something about getting fitted for his tux.

“That’s today. Get yourself up so I can tell you all about the guy I met last night,” Harry said, turning and disappearing from the room.

Zayn groaned as he got out of bed. He opened the top drawer of his bureau to pull out a shirt, noting that he really needed to do laundry. The only item in the drawer was the black Adidas jumper he’d stolen from Liam when he’d moved out. He knew if he wore it, Harry would have no idea where it had come from. Harry was a recent friend, but the best and, possibly, only friend he had now. He never knew Liam or Louis or Niall or any of that group. He knew  _ about _ them; Zayn had rambled about Liam in a drunken stupor one night, and he loved that Harry had never mentioned the other boy since then.

With a sigh, Zayn pulled the jumper out of the drawer and over his head. He blinked back tears, knowing the jumper just smelled clean. It had been found in his bed and washed one day, coming back to him smelling like floral laundry detergent instead of men’s cologne. He remembered sobbing into the shirt for hours, mourning the loss of the scent, knowing he would begin forgetting it. He was closing the drawer when he spotted one more thing that he’d hidden away. Reaching out, he ran his fingers over the image of Liam’s face before quickly slamming the drawer shut and rubbing at his damp eyes. 

“You ready, yet?” Harry asked as he reentered the room and looked at him. “You need jeans, mate. Don’t think an oversized jumper and boxers is a look you really want to be sporting.”

“Fuck off,” Zayn snapped before grabbing the first pair of trousers he spotted, not caring if they were clean or not. Then he grabbed his smokes, lighter, and wallet and followed Harry out of the flat.

“So, I might have invited someone to your stag do on Friday,” Harry started once they were in the car.

“Have we found the next potential Mr. Harry Styles, then?” Zayn teased. In the few short months he’d been friends with Harry, the boy had fallen madly in love, at least, three times. Every time it didn’t work out, Harry would drown his sorrows in a carton of ice cream, and then be back on his feet and searching for his next true love by the next morning. Zayn wished he was more like Harry.

Harry grinned, his cheeks flushing a bit. “Maybe.”

“So, go on. What’s his name, then?” 

Harry opened his mouth and then closed it, his brow furrowing. “I...I don’t know.” Zayn couldn’t stop the laughter that burst out of his mouth, trying to look apologetic when Harry glared at him. “I never asked! I gave him my number last night at the club and conversation was difficult there, but he did keep going on and on about his ‘friend’.”

“His friend?”

“He said he had a friend that he wanted to fix me up with,” Harry told him.

“What’s his friend’s name?”

Harry blushed again. “I don’t know! I didn’t ask! I thought he was making up a friend because he was shy!”

“So, call him and-” Zayn stopped when he saw Harry’s face. “You didn’t get his number.” Harry shook his head. “Better hope he calls you then.” Harry’s face got redder. “What?”

“When he showed up for brunch today, he said it was to apologize because his friend couldn’t make it and had thrown my number away, so he had to come in person to apologize. I never gave it to him again. I had to race off to meet you!” Harry slammed a hand on the steering wheel and flinched.

“You better hope he shows up to the stag do, then,” Zayn said, chuckling to himself, his mind momentarily on something other than Liam.

***

Louis was still kicking himself for not getting the guy’s number again, but he’d run off so quickly that he could use that for an excuse. He watched as Liam sat on the edge of his bed, face blank, as Louis held up two shirts. “Which one do you want to wear?”

“Not going,” Liam said for, at least, the fiftieth time since Louis had showed up at the flat.

“You need a night out,” Louis told him before tossing the white henley he’d been holding at him, sighing when Liam let it fall to the floor. “Do not make me dress you. You know that I will.” Liam’s lips twitched and Louis counted it as a win when Liam began to pull his shirt over his head and picked up the henley from the floor. “That’s a good boy.”

Liam was glaring when his head popped out from the neck of the shirt. “Still not going, just don’t want you attempting to strip me naked. Again.”

Louis laughed, reeling in his thoughts from the day Liam had shown up at his flat after Zayn had left. He’d stunk from three days of nothing but drinking and smoking, and Louis had been forced to wrestle Liam to the ground and get his clothes off of him and into the shower. He’ll never admit to taking a moment to admire his friend’s body at such a terrible time, but he was only human and the man he loved was naked. Who could blame him?

“I promise not to push you on the guy. Just meet him. He’s quite attractive and really nice; after all, he invited you tonight even though you so rudely stood him up,” Louis said as he dug around and pulled out a pair of jeans before throwing them at Liam, who managed to reach out and catch them before they hit the lamp on the bedside table.

“He invited you. He doesn’t know me,” Liam said, and Louis shook his head. “What’s his name again?”

“Barry or something,” Louis responded, squinting his eyes in concentration. “The club was pretty loud and someone threw his number away.”

“Someone shouldn’t have gotten it in the first place,” Liam said, standing and starting to step into his jeans, groaning when Louis threw a pair of pants at him. He grabbed them and left the room.

“Don’t run away on my account,” Louis shouted after him, laughing when Liam flipped him off through the doorway. He was glad to see small hints of the old Liam, the Liam that still laughed and didn’t let Louis get away with shit. 

He was sincerely hoping this night out would do something for Liam. He’d long ago given up on anything happening between himself and Liam, as much as he still wished for it, but he wanted to see his friend happy again. He wanted to see a genuine smile. He wanted to see those eyes crinkle and feel the glow of joy that emanated from him whenever something truly pleased him. He couldn’t stand to see the blank look on his face or the dead look in his eyes. He was a shell of a human, and Louis couldn’t stand it anymore.

Louis shook his head when Liam came back into the room. He was dressed fine, except for the snapback on his head, but he figured the fight to get him to do his hair would be far too much hassle and would make them late for the party. He just hoped the guy remembered Louis and was still open to meeting Liam. He didn’t hold any illusions that this was a forever for Liam, but Liam needed something to boost his confidence again. He needed to know that someone found him attractive.

Liam cleared his throat, and Louis looked up at him, his best friend of so many years. The one person who had stood by him through everything and had been beat down time and again by people who promised forever only to snatch it away in the most brutal ways. Louis studied Liam and had a bit of a revelation. Liam didn’t need another right now. Liam needed a forever. Louis had a new mission and he was determined to make it happen. He just hoped this guy was worth the time.

“You look like shite, mate,” Louis said, shoving Liam in the shoulder as he walked past.

“‘M more than presentable for a night in,” Liam argued. “Pizza and Netflix won’t judge me.”

“No, but I will and you are not staying in.”         

“Just try to stop me,” Liam argued, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I changed your Netflix password,” Louis told him as he grabbed his keys and headed towards the door, a smirk on his face, knowing his friend would follow him now.

***

Liam was still grumbling about devious friends who deserved terrible punishments when they arrived at the club. They were inside less than five seconds when he turned to Louis. “Is he here?”

“I don’t see him,” Louis admitted as he craned his neck to look around the bar.

“Then you must’ve had the wrong time, place, day, something. Let’s go.” Liam was not in the mood for the club. He wasn’t in the mood for anything except more sleep. He started to head towards the door when Louis stopped him with a hand on his arm. 

“There he is!” Louis shouted, a wide smile on his face as he pointed towards the door. Just as Liam was about to follow the direction of his friend’s finger, Louis’ entire demeanor changed. “Never mind. It’s not him. You’re right. We should be going.” 

Liam tilted his head. Louis was talking very quickly and nervously picking at the ends of Liam’s shirt sleeves as he tried to maneuver him away from the bar and towards the exit at the rear of the club. Liam dug his heels in, stumbling when Louis was yanked to a halt and fell into Liam’s chest. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing. Just realized that you’re right. You don’t need a night out. We should go,” Louis shouted to be heard over the sudden surge in the volume of the music.

Liam eyed Louis before starting to turn towards the entrance to figure out what had set him off. He jumped when Louis grabbed him by the cheeks and kissed him soundly. Liam grabbed Louis’ upper arms and pushed him gently away, still hanging on. “What the fuck, Lou?!” he shouted.

Louis looked up at Liam through his eyelashes and Liam knew that look, had seen that look on Louis’ face enough times when he was trying to pull. “I just really want to get you home, Payno. I’ve wanted it for awhile.”

Liam let out a large laugh, feeling badly when he saw a flash of something go through Louis’ blue eyes, disappearing before Liam could put a name to the emotion. “Nice one, Tommo. I love you, mate, but not like that and I know you don’t love me like that.” He shook his head, pressing a kiss to Louis’ forehead, hoping to lighten the situation a bit. “Now, tell me what’s really going on.”

“We just need to get out of here!” Louis shouted, stomping his foot, his face suddenly flushing red when someone came to stand next to them.

“There you are!” the stranger shouted to Louis. “Before anything else, what is your name?”

Louis’ shoulders slumped and he looked defeated as he introduced himself. “This is my friend Liam that I was telling you about.”

The stranger’s face twisted into confusion. “You really have a friend.”

“Of course, I have a friend. I told you I did,” Louis huffed, and Liam shook his head. 

“My name’s Liam. Nice to meet you, mate, but Louis was wrong. I’m really not interested in seeing anyone right now,” Liam said, leaning in to whisper in the guy’s ear, sputtering a bit when he got a mouthful of hair. “Thank your friend for letting you invite us tonight and extend our congratulations, but I’m going to get out of here.” He turned to Louis. “Sorry, mate. I just can’t do this, but you should stay. Get to know…”

“Harry,” the guy said, offering a hand. “Nice to meet you. I would say I’m sorry you aren’t available right now, but I’m honestly more into your friend.”

Liam snorted and shoved Harry towards a dumbstruck Louis. “Have at it. Maybe he’ll stay out of my love life if he gets one of his own,” he encouraged, feeling his own face stretching into a smile like he hadn’t felt for ages. When Louis returned the smile with surprise in his eyes, Liam felt completely justified in leaving his friend alone with Harry.

“Zayn will be sorry he didn’t get to meet you. He thought you were made up, as well,” Harry told him and Liam felt the smile immediately drop from his face. “What? What did I say?” Harry looked between Liam’s frozen form and Louis’ equally still one.

“What-what did you say?” Liam asked.

“I said my friend would-”

“His name. What did you say his name was?” Liam interrupted, his hand going to his own chest, tapping out the too fast rhythm, and he could feel Louis’ eyes on him.

“Zayn. Zayn Malik. Why do you…” he trailed off and stared at him. “You said your name was Liam?” Liam managed a small nod. “Shit.”

“I...I...I gotta go,” Liam stammered before shoving through the crowd. He wasn’t even sure where he was going. Didn’t know if there would be a door in his path or if he was going to end up deeper in the crowd. He had a moment of hoping the crowd would trample him and put him out of his misery, but even in his state knew that was a crazy whim. Of all of Louis’ harebrained schemes, this took the cake and it wasn’t even intentional. A complete fluke. Fate’s sick idea of a joke on Liam.

When he broke through the mass of bodies, he found himself at the end of a long hallway. He glanced up to see an arrowed sign advertising the restrooms. With a glance over his shoulder, he thought he saw a black quiff making its way through the crowd and, without another thought, Liam darted down the hall and into the room, locking himself into a stall. He pushed himself all the way back into the corner and tried to get his breathing under control. He reached into his pocket for his phone, wondering if Niall would be able to come pick him up, not sure he could make it out of the restroom to the doors on his own.

By the time he managed to get his phone out of his pocket, his hands were trembling too much for him to enter his passcode, and he wanted to cry when it locked for a minute. He counted in his head and tried again, managing to lock the phone for five minutes and the tears really started flowing. His chest was so tight he really thought he might be going into cardiac arrest this time. He reached for the door, wondering if he could manage to find Louis, without running into Zayn, before he dropped dead of a heart attack or lack of oxygen.

Liam heard the outside door of the restroom open and he pulled back further into the corner, not wanting to see anyone. A small part of him hoped Louis had found him, but he knew that was wishful thinking. If Louis searched for him, at all, he’d be looking outside the club, not deeper inside. He cursed under his breath when he heard a knock on the stall door.

“Mate, you alright?” came a far too familiar voice and Liam started to pray for death.

***

Zayn watched Harry disappear through the crowd, a happy skip to his step after having spotted his mystery man. Zayn glanced over at the other members of their group, watching as they split off from him and headed to get alcohol or to dance. He shook his head, already exhausted from a long day. Harry had gone all out planning the day for him; he’d really stepped in as a substitute best man when a family emergency had called his cousin away from all the pre-wedding activities.

The only complaint Zayn had was no fault of Harry’s; he had no way of knowing the day he’d planned kept bringing Liam to the front of his mind. The day had started at a small hole-in-the-wall diner that Liam would’ve loved. Harry had said it was the one he’d met his mystery man at for breakfast the week before. The place was small, and the staff friendly, with tasty, reasonably-priced food; all things Liam would have loved and appreciated.

After that, Harry had arranged for him to tour the offices of a small comic book company that Zayn was a fan of. He’d had a great time looking at the process from sketch to page and learning about everything that was included, but he kept thinking about Liam and how his eyes would’ve been bright as a child’s on Christmas morning as he took in all of the brightly coloured artwork. He’d taken one of the artist’s cards, wondering if there would ever be a time when he and Liam would be able to go there together, even as friends. He realized it was more likely that he’d have to arrange a tour for Liam anonymously.

After the tour was over, he and Harry had met up with the rest of the men in the bridal party- save his best man- for lunch before going to play paintball. While Zayn didn’t hate the sport, he was wasn’t a fan of the pain. Liam, however, loved paintball, and Zayn kept letting his guard down remembering times he’d played with Liam in the past. He was now sore and covered with bruises that would, thankfully, be covered by his tux.

Those bruises and that soreness sent his mind somewhere else that he struggled not to think about, but coupled with the heat and pounding bass of the club, Zayn had found himself in a bit of an uncomfortable situation. Excusing himself from his friends, he’d disappeared to the loo, hoping some cold water on his face would help him get himself under control. 

When he’d let himself into the room, he could tell he wasn’t alone because there was movement in one of the stalls. Zayn headed to the sinks and turned on the water, cupping his hands to bring the water to his face, not caring if it caused his hair to become a bigger mess than it already was. It was after the second dip of his face that he heard the sound of heavy breathing from the stall. He shook his head, smirking; at least someone was having a good night.

Glancing up in the mirror, he could just make out one set of shoes under the stall door, and he quirked his eyebrows. Someone was having a good time solo. Either that or that was one strong guy and was holding the other person up high enough that their feet disappeared. Against his better judgement, Zayn listened closer and realized that the breathing, while labored, sounded distressed, not pleasured.

Zayn hesitated for a moment, but then he thought of Liam and how scared he would get during an anxiety attack. His breathing sounded just like this guy, and Zayn couldn’t imagine making this guy go through something like that alone if he could help it. He knocked lightly on the door, hearing a curse. “Mate, you alright?”

A low voice told him to go away, and Zayn thought for a moment about knocking again, but decided to leave the guy be. Although he stepped away, he didn’t leave the room. Zayn might not be able to make the guy accept his help, but he didn’t have to leave him alone either. Zayn’s heart clenched as he thought about how that’s exactly what he had done to Liam while he tried to fight off the guilt and couldn’t. He’d tried to apologize, but Liam never took the call. Maybe now he would. Maybe this poor soul on the other side of the stall door was a sign to reach out again.

Zayn pulled his phone out and, before he could stop himself, he found Liam’s contact and pressed connect. A phone ringing echoed through the restroom, and Zayn’s head whipped around to the door as he heard cursing and fumbling before his call was sent to voicemail. With narrowed eyes, Zayn dialed the phone again, the ringing echoing again before being cut off.

“Liam?” Zayn finally said, approaching the stall door. “C’mon, Li, open up.”

“N-n-no,” he heard stuttered out, and Zayn’s heart broke. “G-go away.”

“I’m not leaving you like this,” Zayn said, wrapping a hand over the top and leaning his forehead against the stall door. 

“Already did once,” Liam hissed, and Zayn felt the words like a physical blow. “J-just go.”

“No,” Zayn said, firmly, remaining against the door, despite the couple of hard hits Liam placed against it, forcing Zayn’s head to bounce a bit. “Still not going.”

“I h-hate you,” Liam’s voice was quiet, but Zayn heard the wobble beneath.

“You don’t, but you should,” Zayn responded and heard the catch in Liam’s breathing. “Look, either you’re coming out or I’m coming in.” Zayn looked towards the floor, knowing that he would never fit under the stall door. He tugged on the door where his hand was wrapped over the top, but he didn’t have the upper body strength to pull himself over the door without a boost. 

After a minute of thinking, Zayn started to shuffle slowly towards the stall next to the one Liam was hiding in, hoping Liam wasn’t watching his feet. He stepped into the other stall and started to step up on the toilet when he heard the other stall door opening. “Fuck,” he muttered as he looked down and saw Liam on the move. Wrestling with the door, Zayn managed to get himself back out of the stall just as Liam reached the door to the restroom.

“No!” Zayn shouted and jumped at him, landing on his back and wrapping his legs around Liam’s waist. He wrapped his arms around Liam’s neck, knocking the snapback to the floor.

“Get off me!” Liam shouted, struggling and falling backwards, Zayn’s back hitting the ground. Between that impact and Liam’s weight atop him, the breath left Zayn’s body, and he felt woozy long before the back of his head hit the floor with a loud sound. “Shit, Zayn!” Liam said, scrambling off of him.

Zayn blinked up at Liam, trying to focus, but it took a moment. When he did, he scrambled to sit up, stopping when Liam pressed a hand to his chest. “I’m fine,” he said, taking inventory and groaning at the pain in his back.

Liam gave him a suspicious look, but moved away. By the time he was on his feet, Liam was in the far corner of the restroom, looking like he wanted to disappear into the floor, but at least he wasn’t back in the stall. Zayn took a step forward, saw Liam shrink more, and wondered for a second if the boy would actually make himself sink into the tiled wall. “Hey,” he said softly, hands out in front of him like he was approaching a frightened animal. “You alright?” Liam shook his head, and Zayn noted the rapid rise and fall of Liam’s chest and the way his hand was tapping over his heart. Zayn recognized all the signs of the worst of Liam’s anxiety attacks.

Zayn took another step and saw the tapping speed up. “It’s alright. Do you have any of your pills on you?”

“L-lou has my keys,” Liam said, and Zayn thought about the keychain he’d bought Liam.

“I can go get him,” Zayn said taking a step towards the door, stopping when he felt a hand around his wrist. Looking down he followed Liam’s arm up to his face, that looked just as shocked as Zayn felt. “Or not.”

“S-st-stay,” Liam said. “P-please.” He shoved his phone at Zayn, and Zayn nodded, unlocking the phone easily, the passcode was still his birthday. Zayn felt a pang of sadness at that, but couldn’t help feeling a little hopeful as well. He composed a text to Louis asking him to bring Liam’s keys to the restroom before handing the phone back to Liam, whose entire body was starting to shake.

“Hey,” Zayn said. Moving closer, he risked wrapping his arms around Liam, surprised when the boy let him. Even more surprised when Liam pressed his face into Zayn’s neck, his quick breaths tickling Zayn’s skin. “C’mon, it’s gonna be fine.” He tried to remember what Liam had told him helped when they were still together and this happened, hoping those things would still help and not make things worse. “Breathe with me. In.” He waited until he felt Liam’s chest expand with a slow breath. “Breath out.That’s it, babe,” he whispered, ignoring the sudden tenseness he felt in Liam’s shoulders. “In. Out.”

It was quite some time before Liam was breathing at a regular pace on his own. Zayn started to step back, wondering what was taking Louis so long. He was surprised when Liam clung to him, shaking his head against Zayn’s shoulder. Now that the crisis had passed, Zayn began becoming aware of Liam pressed against him. He knew he shouldn’t be enjoying it, but it had been so long and, yet, the feeling was still so familiar.

Before his brain caught up with his body, Zayn was running his hands over Liam’s back, feeling his ribs and wincing at the amount of weight his boy had lost. Not his boy, Zayn mentally corrected; he’d lost the right to those words a long time ago. He just hadn’t realized how much he missed them until that moment. How much he needed them.

Zayn tried to move away again, managing a small bit of space between them, but, before he could even draw a full breath, Liam was grabbing at his shirt, trying to pull him close again. “No. No,” Liam kept repeating, shaking his head frantically from side to side. “Don’t push me away again, Zee. Please.” The tears that had dried up were falling down Liam’s cheeks again. 

Zayn reacted on instinct again, cradling Liam’s jaw in both of his hands and brushing the tears away with his thumbs. Soothing sounds escaped his lips and although his brain was screaming at him to run, his heart was tugging him closer until he had Liam close enough for Zayn to press his lips to Liam’s forehead. As soon as his lips made contact with Liam’s sweat-soaked skin, Zayn felt his brain give up the ghost and let his heart take over.

Zayn feathered kisses across Liam’s closed eyelids, feeling the flutter of lashes, before brushing his lips softly down the slope of his nose. He pressed a gentle kiss to the rounded tip, tempted to nip at it, the way that used to make Liam giggle. He was just about to when Liam loosed a desperate whimper and Zayn couldn’t fight the urge any longer. He pressed their lips together in a kiss that tasted like heaven and felt like home.

“Fuck, Li,” Zayn moaned out when the kiss broke, their mouths still close enough to breathe each other’s air.

“Miss you so much,” Liam said, pressing his face into Zayn’s neck, and he could feel the deep inhale against his skin. “Miss your kisses. Miss your arms. Miss you.”

Zayn tried to say the words back, he could feel them fighting against his teeth. He opened his mouth to say them, but his brain was beginning to wake up again, trying to call him back from the edge. Words were just coming to his lips. Words like, “ _ Stop _ ” or “ _ We shouldn’t _ ” were winning the battle to be let into the room, but just as the first letter sounds were formed, Liam dropped to his knees in front of Zayn and started to paw at his flies. Zayn’s brain went into complete shutdown.

“Miss all of you,” Liam was muttering over and over as he worked Zayn’s zipper down, reaching inside his jeans to pull out his cock. His quiet words stopped as he ran a hand over the smooth skin and pressed a kiss to the base, sliding his lips slowly up until he licked gently at the head.

Zayn should’ve been embarrassed at how hard he was, considering, just moments earlier, Liam had been falling apart in his arms. “Li- oh!” His protest was cut off when Liam took him in fully, without hesitation, and Zayn’s cock bumped the back of his throat. His hands went into Liam’s hair of their own accord, and Zayn’s breath stopped at the vibrations of Liam’s moan when Zayn tugged gently on the strands. 

Although he knew he shouldn’t, Zayn allowed Liam to continue. Hating himself for enjoying the feel of the mouth that he hadn’t felt in so long. Liam had always been enthusiastic when giving head, something that hadn’t seem to have changed. Zayn missed that. No one had ever loved it as much as this boy on his knees in front of him.

It didn’t take long until Zayn could feel the tightening of his stomach. He tried to fight it off, tried to last longer, but then Liam reached up and tugged gently at his balls. A moment later, the door to the bathroom flew open, and Louis’ voice was heard saying, “Liam, are you - What the fuck?!”

Then, two things happened: Zayn came down Liam’s throat, and Louis’ fist connected with Zayn’s face.

***

Louis could feel his temper flaring as he pulled Liam out of the bathroom, fighting him as he tried to reach back for Zayn who was holding a hand over his eye, dick still hanging out of his pants. “You fucking asshole!” Louis screamed at him. “How could you fuck with him like that? Haven’t you done enough?!”

Zayn’s head dropped, but Louis couldn’t feel even a bit sorry for him as he finally managed to get out of the room, running into Harry in the hallway. “You might want to go take care of that fucking wanker you call a best mate,” he hissed, ignoring the confused and hurt look that Harry gave him.

“I don’t want to leave!” Liam whined at Louis. Louis gaped at Liam, shaking his head and reaching out to wipe away the evidence of what had happened from the corners of Liam’s mouth before rubbing his thumb off on Liam’s shirt with a shudder; there are some things you shouldn’t ever have to do and cleaning cum off your best mate’s face is top of that list. 

“You might not want to, but you have to, Liam. You do remember why he’s here tonight, right? It’s his fucking bachelor party! You just fucking gave a blowjob to a guy who is getting married in the fucking morning! What the hell did you think was going to happen!” Louis stopped ranting when he felt the trembling in Liam’s arm. He dug Liam’s keys out of his pocket and shook a pill out of the container handing it over, waiting for Liam to dry swallow it.

“I love him,” Liam whimpered into Louis’ shoulder, and Louis chose to ignore the statement, and the pain that it caused to zap through his chest. 

When they finally got outside of the club and headed for Liam’s car, Louis was thankful he hadn’t really started drinking and was able to drive. He leaned Liam against the car while he opened the door, helping him into the rear seat and forcing him to lay back. As Louis walked around the car to get to the driver’s seat, he saw Liam begin scrambling for the door.

“Fuckin’ hell!” he shouted as Liam opened the door and managed to completely lose his footing, and hit the ground face first.

“Liam!” a voice shouted, and Louis cursed again as he recognized it.

“Zee?” Liam mumbled through a bloody lip and scraped cheek.

“No. Not Zee, mate,” Louis said, hurrying Liam back into the car and whirling around on Zayn who was holding out Liam’s snapback. “Get the fuck away from us!” Louis yanked the hat away from him, ignoring the hiss of pain Zayn gave.

“Is he alright? I saw him fall!” Zayn said, glaring and trying to look around Louis.

Louis could hear Liam banging on the glass of the car window behind him, but just gave Liam a glare over his shoulder. “Of course he’s not alright. He hasn’t been alright in years, yeah?” Louis snapped. “Not since the first bitch fucked him over. Then the next. And the next! Finally, he seemed to be himself. Was happy. Was fucking enjoying life again despite everything!” Louis shoved Zayn when he took another step towards the car. “And then-” Louis choked off as tears sprung to his eyes. “And then…” he started again and trailed off as his shoulders collapsed, the fight leaving him quickly as he spied hurt and tears in Zayn’s eyes.

“And then I went and fucked it all up,” Zayn whispered. “I fucked  _ him _ up. All because I wanted more than he was willing to give.” Louis raised an eyebrow, not knowing what more Zayn could possibly have wanted from Liam; he’d already had him heart, body and soul. “I thought I couldn’t be happy without commitment.”

Louis barked out a laugh, sending Zayn stumbling back a few steps. “So, a marriage proposal wasn’t commitment enough for you?” Zayn’s face paled, and Louis immediately felt guilty for unknowlingly revealing Liam’s secret.

“What?” Zayn’s voice was barely a breath.

“Guess you should’ve stuck around to find out, mate. Should’ve thought about someone other than yourself. Should’ve taken one of his phone calls. Should’ve done a whole lot of things. One of the things you  _ shouldn’t _ have done was let Liam blow you at your bachelor party! On the eve of your wedding to someone else!” Louis’ voice kept raising with each word until he was screaming again. 

Louis turned and saw Liam’s bloody and shocked face, tears covering his cheeks. Both of his palms were pressed against the window, and Louis couldn’t stand to see the hurt on his face, knowing that, this time, he had been the cause. Storming around the car, he yanked the door open and slid behind the wheel, squealing out of the spot and not even caring that Zayn had to jump out of the way to avoid being hit.

Louis’ temper ebbed and flowed the entire drive back to Liam’s flat. Liam sobbed in the back, cursing out Louis and calling himself every version of “stupid” that he’d ever learned. Louis kept trying to soothe him, but Liam would just smack or kick the back of Louis’ seat and growl incoherently at him. By the time Louis parked the car, he was half-expecting a wild animal in the backseat.

Liam pushed the car door open and nearly fell out again, managing to catch himself this time. Louis reached for him, but Liam shoved him away. “I don’t want to talk to you,” he hissed, his words a bit slurred by his swollen lip.

“Then don’t talk to me, but let me help you upstairs to get you cleaned up,” Louis said, pretending that Liam’s words hadn’t hurt.

Liam huffed, but didn’t fight Louis off when he took his arm again. Once they were in the flat, Louis sat Liam on the sofa before heading into the washroom for supplies. Coming back out, he discovered Liam had disappeared. Shaking his head, he went to Liam’s room and found him sitting on the bed, the ring box in his hand again. Growling, Louis grabbed the box and threw it on the bed behind Liam.

“Hey,” Liam protested weakly as he attempted to turn his body to retrieve the box, but Louis stopped him with a firm grip on his arm.

“Let’s get you fixed up and then you can cuddle up with that stupid box and wallow in self-pity,” Louis snapped.

“Pardon?” 

“You heard me. This is getting old, Liam. You need to just get over him. He’s getting married. He isn’t coming back. He fucking left you!” Louis was probably rougher than necessary as he cleaned the blood from Liam’s face, but his anger was flaring.

“I know,” Liam mumbled.

“Then move on!” 

“It’s not that easy, Lou,” Liam said, and now Louis had to deal with his friend’s tears flowing freely down his face. “You don’t think I haven’t tried?” Louis snorted. “Every day I wake up and say to myself, ‘today is the day you’ll get better. Today is the day you’ll forget’. Then something happens, and I can’t forget!”

Now that the blood had been cleared, Louis could see Liam’s cheek was pretty badly scraped over the cheekbone and his lip was split and quite swollen, but at least the bleeding seemed to have stopped. Louis groaned and left the room, grabbing some ice from the freezer and wrapping it a in a towel before returning to the room, Liam still in the same position Louis had left him in. Pushing Liam to lie back on the bed, Louis held the ice over the side of his face that seemed to take the brunt of the impact. 

Once he’d moved Liam’s hand to hold the ice in place, Louis reached around Liam and wriggled a hand inside the case of the pillow he was leaning on. His fingers quickly found what he was searching for. He pulled out the scarf, throwing it at Liam before standing from the bed. “ _ This _ isn’t trying to move on.” He knew he was being cruel, knew his words would hurt, but he couldn’t stop himself.

“Let it go, Lou,” Liam pleaded.

“I’m not the one holding onto things,” Louis countered. “I’ve tried and tried to help you, and you refuse to let me!”

“I never asked for help! I asked you to let me be! Why can’t you let me be?” Liam questioned, his voice raising and the words slurring more around the swell of his lip.

“Because I love you, you idiot!” Louis screamed back before slapping both hands over his mouth.

Liam froze. “I love you, too.”

Louis finally felt something in him crack. “No. You love Zayn. You’ve always loved Zayn, and I’ve sat back and watched. Before Zayn it was always someone else, and I’ve sat back watching you love them! Then I had to watch them break you! You broke, and I had to pick up the pieces and all I could think is if you’d just loved me like I love you, you’d never have gone through all this crap!” He sat on the edge of the bed and pressed a hand to the cheek that wasn’t injured, forcing Liam to look at him. “I am in love with you. I have been for years. For forever.”

Liam shook his head slowly from side to side. “No. No. You love me. You aren’t  _ in _ love with me.”

“I am,” Louis said, his voice soft as he leaned in to kiss Liam.

Liam pulled back, using his free hand to push on Louis’ chest. “No. You’ve always needed someone to take care of, and I’ve always been that person to you. You’ve looked after me since the day I was born. I can’t remember a time in my life where you weren’t immediately by my side, and I love you for it. You are my best friend, my brother, and I love you.” Louis opened his mouth to argue, but Liam gave him a look that had him shutting up. “My love for you is bigger, stronger, better than the love I’ve had with anyone else in my life, but it’s also different. My love for you is like that of my family. It’s unconditional and undying, but it’s not romantic. Your love for me is the same.”

“You don’t know that,” Louis argued. “You don’t know how I’m feeling.”

“Just like you know me better than I know myself. I know you,” Liam said, finally reaching to pull Louis into his arms, cuddling him close as tears sprang to Louis’ eyes.

“No. No. It’s you,” Louis said, but he knew he sounded less convinced because he was less convinced. His brain was flying over Liam’s words, over their lives together, trying to pick out when he realized he was  _ in _ love with his best friend and he couldn’t find it. 

“It’s not, but you know what?”

“What?” Louis asked, sniffling into Liam’s chest.

“That Harry guy at the club tonight. He could be,” Liam told him, and Louis shook his head. “Give him the chance you wanted me to give him.”

“Didn’t get his number,” Louis said, feeling like an idiot, but smiling as Liam laughed harder than he had in a long time.

***

Liam awoke the next morning and glanced down at Louis, who was still curled up against his chest. They’d stayed up until almost six in the morning talking, and Liam’s head was pounding now from lack of sleep. The emotions of the night before and his encounter with the pavement didn’t help matters. He moved slowly so that he didn’t disturb his friend, smiling when Louis curled into the pillow in his place. 

Liam stepped into the washroom, wincing when he saw his face for the first time. His cheek was purple and scabbed over, while his lip had new dried blood surrounding it. It was still swollen, but didn’t feel quite as bad as the night before. Reaching into the cabinet, he pulled out some paracetamol, filling his Batman glass with tap water and swallowing them down.

When he stepped back into the bedroom, Louis was standing in his closet moving clothing around. “What are you doing?”

“We’ve got a wedding to crash,” Louis said, tossing a white button up and black trousers at Liam, who let them fall to the floor, stunned by his friend’s words.

“No,” Liam said. “He’s happy, and I’m not taking that from him. Love him too much for it.”

“And I love you too much to watch you suffer anymore. We’re going to get him back,” Louis explained as he walked back over with a black waistcoat and black tie. “Besides, if he was really happy with her, last night wouldn’t have happened.” He picked up the clothes Liam had dropped and shoved them at him.

“We don’t even know where-” Liam started.

“Niall was invited. He’s on his way to get us.”

“Niall was invited?” Liam felt his jaw drop.

Louis shrugged. “Guess his family is friends with the bride’s, so they all figured it was good for mending fences or whatnot.” 

A few moments later, Liam found himself standing in the middle of his washroom, arms full of dress clothes, staring at the closed door. Less than a minute passed before Louis was pulling the door open again. “Seriously, get your arse in the shower and get cleaned up. We’re doing this.”

“We can’t,” Liam tried to argue.  

“We can and we are. You have until the count of three,” Louis warned, and Liam quickly dropped the clothing on the counter and started removing his shirt, watching Louis give a satisfied nod before shutting the door.

Liam let the too-hot water pour over him, wincing as it washed over the tender skin of his face. He glanced down at himself, noting the way his ribs stood out. He ran a hand over the clear side of his face, fingers tracing the cheekbone and sighing as he felt the hollow beneath it. He was in no shape to crash a wedding.

Liam wasn’t sure how much time had passed before Louis was pulling the shower curtain back, but the water was cold that ran over his skin. He felt the gooseflesh on his arms and stared at Louis, who sighed and wrapped a towel around him. He opened his mouth to speak, but Louis just shook his head.

“One last try, Li. If this doesn’t work, we’ll figure something out, but I have a good feeling,” Louis told him as he dried off Liam’s hair.

“What happened to all that stuff last night about moving on,” Liam asked, genuinely curious.

“I did a lot of thinking after you fell asleep,” Louis said, handing Liam another towel and pointing to his clothes. “You’re right that I haven’t been listening to you, but I’m gonna start now.”

“Then let’s stay here,” Liam said, giving Louis the best puppy eyes he could, knowing the effect was diminished without his usual pout.

“No. I’m listening to what you said before. You need him. You’re right. You two have always needed each other, even before you got together,” Louis told him as he walked out. “Finally realized I was jealous because you didn’t need me anymore.”

“I’ll always need you, Lou,” Liam whispered as the door closed, unsure if his friend heard or not.

Louis and Niall were both in the kitchen when Liam finally emerged, his shirt open at the neck and tie in his hand. He’d attempted to do his hair, but ended up with it in a bit of a curly mess atop his head. He’d finally shrugged, deciding it wouldn’t matter anyway. Niall gave out a low whistle. “How’s the other guy look?”

“Not a scratch,” Liam told him, laughing at Niall’s face. “Hit the pavement. Literally.” He let Niall pull him into a hug, sighing when Louis wrapped his arms around Liam from behind, the three of them standing there, and Liam could feel a bit of his friends’ bravery and spirit flowing into him. “So, how are we doing this?” he asked when he finally tried to break free, crossing to the cabinet and pulling out his daily pills and vitamins.

“What do you mean?” Louis asked.

Liam turned back to his friends, choking back a laugh at the confusion on their faces. “I thought you had a plan.”

“Stop the wedding,” Niall said, Louis nodding alongside him.

“How? Am I going to just run inside and cause a scene? Am I going to wait patiently in the back until they ask for objections? How are we going to attempt this craziness?” Liam asked, crossing to the fridge to pull out a bottle of water. He opened the bottle before turning to his friends, keeping one eye on them as he swallowed the pills. “Well?”

“Play it by ear?” Niall asked.

“Just don’t forget this,” Louis said, tossing the box that had last been in Liam’s bed towards him, Liam scrambling to catch it.

Liam knew this was the worst idea in the history of ideas, but he was allowing Louis to do this. He honestly had no hope that things were going to work out. He could already picture Zayn laughing in his face, but then he remembered the night before. He knew it had been wrong, but if he was losing Zayn, at least he’d have that memory to get him through the dark days and nights ahead. Not the blowjob exclusively, his mind wrapped more around Zayn helping him when he needed it; he could have left Liam in that washroom to suffer, but he didn’t. He fought to get Liam to allow him to help. It was the glimmer of hope that gave him that was letting him go along with the insane non-plan of his friends.

“Let’s go, then,” Liam said, hoping he sounded more confident than he felt, as he pocketed the box..

***

Zayn stood in front of the mirror, attempting to tie the stupid bowtie and cursing colourfully under his breath, ignoring Harry’s laughter behind him. “This is, like, hopeless,” he snapped. Leaving it hanging loose around his neck.

“Want me to do it for you?” Harry asked, taking a step closer, but Zayn just pushed him away. “Look, do you need to talk about it?”

“About what?”

“About whatever has been up your arse since the club last night? Or is it more about what hasn’t been up your arse?” Harry’s words would’ve pissed him off, if they’d come from anyone else, but he knew that Harry was genuinely concerned and wouldn’t judge.

Zayn found himself pouring out everything that had happened the night before, watching Harry’s face for any indication of what he was thinking. When Zayn got to the part about Louis taking off in the car, nearly hitting him, he waited for something, anything, from Harry.

“And, how does that make you feel?” Harry asked.

“Which part?” Zayn asked, surprised by the question.

“All of it,” Harry responded. “I’m sure that’s probably too broad, so let’s break it down. How did you feel when you realized it was Liam in the stall?”

Zayn opened his mouth to say something scathing, but stopped to think instead. Finally, he looked at Harry. “Hopeful.”

“For what?”

“For another chance,” Zayn said, sighing. “For the chance to fix what I’d broken.”

“Good,” Harry said with a smile. “And how did you feel when he tried to run away?”

“Scared,” Zayn responded without having to think about it. “Scared that I’d really blown it forever. That I’d thrown away my last chance.” Zayn moved to his leather jacket that was thrown over the back of a chair and pulled his cigarettes out, tapping one out of the pack, groaning when his eyes fell on a  _ No Smoking _ sign.

“And - ” 

Zayn held up a hand to cut Harry off. “If you ask me how I felt when he was blowing me, I will kill you.”

Harry chuckled. “Alright, then. How do you feel now?”

“Now?” Harry nodded. “Nervous. Jittery. Sick to my stomach. My skin feels too tight, and my heart is beating too fast. My hands are shaking.”

“This is the last question I’m going to ask you: do you really want to marry her?” Zayn’s eyes snapped to Harry’s face, taking in the expectant expression. Zayn slowly shook his head, Harry mirroring the movement with a smile on his face. “Then go.” He pushed Zayn towards the door. “I will gladly make excuses for you.”

Zayn pulled Harry into a hug, and kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you,” he said before grabbing his jacket.  

Zayn stuck his head through the door, looking up and down the hallway. He could hear voices coming from one end of the hall, nearest the front of the church. He groaned, recognizing the voice of the father of the bride. Glancing in the other direction, he saw a glowing  _ Exit _ sign pointing to the left. With a quick wink over his shoulder at Harry, he hurried towards it. Finding the exit quickly, he pushed through and was met with a faceful of water. It seemed that, in the hour or so he’d been inside, the heavens had opened up, but Zayn didn’t care.

Stepping into the rain, he found himself standing at the edge of the cemetery attached to the church. With a shrug, he started walking along the path through the center, his eyes falling on a tall tree at the other side. The ground beneath it looked less wet than everything else. He didn’t hurry, he just strolled, letting the rain soak through his clothing, as his thoughts turned to Liam again. 

He knew, logically, that Liam should hate him. Should never forgive Zayn for leaving him without an explanation. He regretted not giving Liam a chance to change his mind. Now, after Louis’ shouted words last night, he felt even worse. He wasn’t sure if Louis had been serious about the wedding proposal, but what if he had been? What if Zayn hadn’t been patient enough? What if Zayn had waited one more day to pack his bags? 

At the same time, was it really that important? Was a proposal really what he’d needed or was he just afraid? Was he afraid he’d never been enough for Liam? He shook himself as he stepped underneath the umbrella of the tree, feeling the occasional drop escape through the thick foliage overhead, but protected otherwise. He leaned his head back and looked up at the leaves. His eyes tracing them. A raindrop fell right into his eye, and he blinked rapidly while laughing.

His laughter cut off when he felt it. He was pretty sure he hadn’t heard or seen anything, but he felt the presence. Without turning, he spoke quietly. “Li?”

“How’d you know?” Zayn turned to find an equally drenched Liam standing in front of him, still in the rain.

“Get out of the rain, you idiot,” he said, without thinking, feeling like a complete arse.

Liam smiled. Zayn winced when he stepped under the canopy, and he got a good look at his face. His hand started to reach out, but he pulled it back. Liam stepped closer, reaching for Zayn’s hand. He brought it to his face, pressing it against the uninjured side. Zayn brought his other hand up and ghosted it over Liam’s injuries.

“Saw you leave the church, and followed you,” Liam told him, his eyes downcast. “Didn’t know where you were going, but thought it would be my last chance to talk to you before…” Hhe trailed off, but still wouldn’t look up.

“Before?” Zayn prompted, knowing he should tell Liam, but wanting to hear what had him standing in the pouring rain, dressed like he’d been planning to attend the wedding.

“Before you married her,” his voice was nearly lost under the rain. “Before you moved on like I can’t.”

“Look at me, Liam,” Zayn said, pressing his forehead to Liam’s. He waited until he saw Liam’s eyes slide up to meet his. “I’m out here because I can’t do it.” Liam stumbled back, out of Zayn’s gentle hold. “I can’t marry her, and I definitely can’t move on.” Liam’s eyes were wide, and Zayn saw his hand move up to his chest, tapping. “Do you need-” Liam shook his head, dropping his hand, but Zayn saw his fists opening and closing rapidly.

“It…” Liam started to speak, stopping to swallow as he shook his hands out, and Zayn remembered him explaining that sometimes even his joints felt too tight when he got overwhelmed. His eyes traveled over Liam, trying to spot a bulge of keys, feeling a bit relieved when he spotted something in his waistcoat pocket. “If you hadn’t left when you did. It could’ve been me in there,” Liam finally said.

“Oh, Li, if you want, it still could be.” Zayn blinked back tears, realizing that the rain was beginning to slow, and his voice was louder than he’d intended. Liam tilted his head, his eyebrows raised in question. Zayn nodded and took a step closer, his heart dropping when Liam stepped backwards, and out from under the protection of the tree. Zayn stepped out after him, surprised that the rain was barely falling.

Zayn watched as Liam startled to fumble with his waistcoat pocket. He reached over to help him, stopping when a small velvet box came out and landed on the ground between them. Zayn stared down as Liam dropped to his knees to pick it up. He looked up at Zayn with wide eyes; Zayn felt his heart rate increase. “No, Liam,” he whispered, wishing he could take the words back as Liam’s eyes filled with tears, and he began to scramble backwards.

Before Liam got too far, Zayn grabbed him, and pulled him to his feet. He took the box out of his hands, wanting to open it, wanting to see the ring Liam had chosen for him, but he knew he would have to wait. Liam’s breathing was still increasing, so Zayn tucked the box back into Liam’s waistcoat and brought his hands to Liam’s cheeks, pressing their foreheads together. 

“You don’t want me,” Liam said, closing his eyes tightly, and Zayn felt worse than he had before.

“I didn’t say that, Liam James. I guess, I shouldn’t have said, ‘No,’ I should’ve said, ‘Not yet’. We have so much to fix. So much to make up for before we can take that step,” Zayn told him, his voice firm. Liam’s eyes blinked open, and Zayn pulled back just enough to be able to see his beautiful brown eyes clearly, using his thumbs to brush away the tears beneath them. “I love you, Liam, I always have. I never stopped.”

Liam sniffled, rubbing at the tip of his nose before laying his hand tentatively on Zayn’s waist. When Zayn smiled, Liam’s other hand come to the other side, fingers squeezing gently. “I love you, too.” He moved closer, their arms going around each other and Liam’s head resting on Zayn’s shoulder. “So, one day, though, you do want to marry me?” he rasped out the words, and Zayn knew it had taken a lot for him to risk his heart with those words. Zayn was in awe, and so thankful, he was the one Liam felt was worth that risk.

“I do,” Zayn whispered, pressing a kiss to the side of Liam’s head, smiling brightly as the sun broke through the clouds, and shone down upon them.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to come talk to me on Twitter or tumblr. I really love meeting new people!


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